the sum of all fears
I can’t bring myself to write this over at Rogue King, it always starts out there, then somehow finds its way here. But there’s another companion post over there anyways.
To the Emrys, dude, I know Two W.E.A.K Dudes is supposed to be a silly happy place but, just bear with me for a while. I need to get this stuff out of my system.
—
I’m sitting here watching TV. I haven’t watched TV in forever. It feels so surreal.
I’m listening to the sad country songs and I realise why I like them so much. They talk of simpler times, they talk of hurt, they talk of love, they talk of starry skies and stolen kisses. And they talk of Whiskey Lullaby’s.
I realise now how much sense they make.
I want to get out of this place. Everywhere I turn, I see painful memories, I hear echoes of voices that belong in my past. I hear the shrill laughter of little children running through the rooms. I see the makeshift shelf I used to called my workshop, from which I vowed to dominate the technology industry.
And I used to think this kind of stuff was exaggerated Hollywood *ish.
Everything is piled up untidily, remnants from the restaurant scattered all over the place.
And there is so much dust. Inches thick layers of the things.
I got someone to clean the place, but you still find the dust. It permeates your very being. It’s like a painful testament to the truth.
Then there’s this huge rat that keeps running across the room. Huge is an understatement. I can’t bring myself to try and kill the bloody thing. All I think about is, what the heck does it eat?? There’s nothing in this place. The whole place is just so… dead.
Even the blaring TV sounds like it’s on it’s final lap.
I want to get out this place so bad. I want to run out and breathe.
Just breathe.
The first night I couldn’t sleep. I had to leave the lights on, and leave the TV blaring.
When I finally slept, I woke up a few hours later in a cold sweat, disoriented and confused.
My nightmares are endless.
I just keep staring at the walls. I just feel numb.
I want to get out of here, so bad.
But I cannot.
I sent this message to a friend last night:
“It’s amazing how much all the resilience I built up through the years means nothing right now. I’m like a little child again, so alone, and so scared. Within these walls lies the sum of all my fears.”
And that is why I cannot leave this place.
I’ve never been afraid of anything, not even death, always had this “devil may care” attitude. I knew that if my time came, it would come, and it led me to be reckless. I take the craziest risks knowing I have Abba on my side.
And somehow death has become a part of me. Whenever someone close to me passed away, I’d feel the pain, I’d hurt so bad, but somehow, I just couldn’t let it out. I’d stare balefully, comfort the people around me, even if it was me that needed the comforting. It had nothing to do with pride.
I most times think it was the absolutely mechanical way my father handled my mother’s death. Picking me up from school, not breathing a word, all sixteen kilometers from school, until we were outside the door to her place, then turning round to me and saying, “you have to be a man now, your mother is dead”, then opening the door into a houseful of mourners and her casket in the middle of the room.
Or how he kept iterating Bible verses to me, “it is assigned once for every man to die…”
I find myself quoting that verse at the most awkward of moments.
I want to leave this place so bad.
I have a past I’m not proud of, and yet, I am proud of it, because it defines me, it is who I am. Without that past, without the good and the bad, I am just an existential shell, trudging along like some freakish automaton. But with that past, by embracing it, and learning from it, and moving on, I become the person I am.
I become me. I become alive.
But in order for me to move forward, in order for me to overcome my fears, in order for me to become even more alive, I need to lose something.
And that is why I shut the door and lock myself inside.
Something in me has to die.
November 2nd, 2008 at 5:52 pm
DK all I can say is It is well….May it be well in your life!!! May He put a song of praise on your lips at the end of this.
November 2nd, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Oh, DK.
(((DK )))
November 3rd, 2008 at 10:04 am
I’d hate to be in your situation but just like death, we all have to face our worst of fears and emerge as God meant us to be.
What can I say? Hope you find your self again.
November 3rd, 2008 at 10:42 am
i’m in your corner DK.
(((((((((((((DK))))))))
November 3rd, 2008 at 11:35 am
I feel you.
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:13 pm
My heart goes out to you. i pray for one i do not know except for a struggle that’s all too clear. to live is to die and yet in death and rebirth is the strength that spoons a lifetime of wings that soar.
one big big big big big hug, even if i have to wear stilts to give it to you.
November 4th, 2008 at 8:25 am
what… thats terrible come over for a bear hug….thats better
November 4th, 2008 at 8:27 am
All I can think of is how beautifully this is written. Forgive my methodical brain.
(((((DK)))) Things can only get better from here onwards.
November 4th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Yo strong thats wat counts rite nw
November 7th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
i think something in you needs to HEAL and not die…
November 12th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
first of all u need to get rid of that rat, unless he has become ur buddy that is.
next kneel down and literally cry ur lungs out to the lord. he will hear your wails, ur crys will touch his heart. but as u wimper after that cry is when he will speak coz you wont hear the lord when u cry out that loud.
cry and cry till u feel better. just cry, release and forgive all and yourself for all those years. after that go out, get yourself some good clothing, get anything you fancy , that will make yu feel good.
take care.the way u feel is the beginning of the healing.