Ricescapades
I’m on a F.O.O.D roll. So riot all you want.
This one time I got thoroughly fed up of rolexes, we all get fed up of our staple foods sometime. So I decided to make use of my severely idle gas cooker. Being the pollyanna I am, I got seriously worked up over the prospect of a well cooked meal prepared by yours truly. You know the type, delicious mouthwatering aroma. The type that tastes like nectar to the weary sea-wanderer. The type that smells like a meal fit for the gods! The type that… my apologies, I digress.
So I made a more dignified shopping list, it had 1 kg of rice, spices, tomatoes, onions, garlic (like a drop), salt, I even budgeted for a boda-boda for transi. So I made my way to Shoprite (I like to go all the way) and strolled lazily through the place, eyeing everything and wishing I could buy the whole place. Then I found the rice.
Like 100 different brands of rice.
I was horrified. I didn’t know there were different types of rice. For me I just eat rice. Now I saw brown rice, packed rice, oba what rice, then some other rice, oba spiced rice, cooked rice. They even had pink rice. For crying out loud, just give a brother kilogram of rice.
So anyways, I hollad at one of those people who walk around in uniforms pretending to be busy. And she gave me the low down on the rice, even trying to tell me how to cook it. I told her I know how to cook rice. I mean how W.E.A.K can I be? I’d actually seen instructions on the back of some packet of rice, and that was the rice I bought. A hefty kg. Although they jammed to reduce the price. Mbu they only reduce for bulk. As if 1 kg isn’t bulk. Idiots. Mama baby of the shop behind the kafunda reduces when I buy anything more than a quarter.
So I headed back homa faster faster on a bajaj to do ma thang.
Attempt 1 - 2:30 pm:
The instructions said one cup of rice for two cups of water. I poured the rice into the water, mixed in some bu things I bought there (mbu spices), set it on the cooker and went to watch TV. I came back when it began to smell nice, mixed it a bit, and went back to watch TV.
I woke up nga the neighbour was banging on the door heavily, mbu the house was on fire. I told her not to be silly, those bu smoke fumes were kawa. So I went to check on the rice. I lifted the saucepan cover and lo and behold!
My rice was BLACK!! As in charcoal black… Although it smelt nice-ish.
But I knew I could do it better. So I threw it in the bin and began afresh.
Attempt 2 - 4:45pm.
This time I was determined to outdo myself. I got another cup of rice, cained in that spice nonsense and to be on the safe side, put in three cups of water. Those rice recipe charlatans didn’t know what they were doing or saying. I was now more experienced. For good measure, I threw in another quarter cup of water and some extra salt.
I kept watching it every two minutes. I even got a book and sat in the kitchen. After an hour and a half, man, nothing was happening. The water was still there, but the rice was getting too soft. I decided to give it another 30 minutes.
30 minutes later, the water had drained, but the rice was so soft I needed a spoon to check it out. I could actually pour the stupid thing and it would flow like water.
I thought to myself “oba I just drink it like porridge?”
But wah! I am the Dark Knight, nothing plays me. I would try again!
Attempt 3: - 8:15pm
I got onto the internet and looked for a good boiled rice recipe. I found one, followed it to the letter (even printed it). I felt so confident I went back to the sitting room and set an alarm for 20 mins ( the recipe said 30 mins) and dozed off blissfully.
I woke up, went to check on my rice. The bottom was blacker than darkness and hard like no man’s business. The top was like porridge.
I threw it all in the dust bin, went round to mama baby’s, bought a doughnut and safi, and slept.
Such was my misery.
February 21st, 2008 at 1:36 am
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