ratatouille
Yesterday, I entered the house through the back door (anti it’s the one through the kitchen and some things in life are more important that others), switched on the lights and saw a family of rats posing on the loaf of bread I have been plotting for the entire day.
The stupid things were so snug and comfy that you’d think they were my invited guests. When the lights came on, they froze, paws on loaf, bits sticking out of their pointing nosed mouths.
One even looked at me, and took an extra nibble! I was impressed!
It was a magnificently sculptured brute that The Emrys would’ve been proud (and justified) to flee from in sheer terror. Let us call him Bruce. Bruce was shaped thus:
We stared at each other like gladiators, eyes narrowing, pulses racing, adrenaline surging (do rats have adrenaline??). Bruce started inching towards the exit, shielding his troops, and I, inched towards the old sapatu I keep for such thrilling occassions of rodenticide as this.
My hand touched the sapatu, and Bruce froze. Like it knew! Its eyes narrowed and all hell broke loose.
Bruce scattered left, into the dining room, and the family scattered right, out the door, Bruce’s baby-momma heaving and wheezing with the weight of survival. I debated for a split second, wondering which group to chase after. Then I remembered how big the kapo rat was. I turned and dashed after the don himself, almost breaking a tooth when I slipped on a kaveera that some fool had left lying on the floor.
The pain that shot up my right elbow and knee was inconceivable. You know how back in school they’d wet your but-tocks with cold water then whip you senseles with a lugga? Now imagine being injected twice (with quinine) in the same but-tocks after being whipped. That’s what the pain felt like.
I saw Bruce vanish around the corner at the end of the corridor.
Nursing my hurt appendages and cursing rodents the world over, I rocked back and forth on the floor, unable to believe my misery. Until Bruce crept back around the corner for a peek.
And then, Bruce started creeping back, inch by inch towards me. The nerve! The bloody rat knew I was incapacitated! It was like it was laughing in my face!
Suddenly one of the room doors opened and one of the neighbour dudes who’d been chilling in my cousin’s room steps out, sees Bruce, screams like very minions of hell were after his soul and lands a very well place kick on Bruce’s but-tocks.
Oh my. The sight of Bruce soaring through the air was gloriously magnificent. I grinned the evil-est grin as I watched Bruce sail through the air for a long two seconds. He hit the wall at almost two thousand kilometers per hour ( I measured ) and emitted such a painful, mournful music-to-my-ears squeak that I will never forget.
Gathering his wits about him, Bruce scampered… well, more like hobbled back into the kitchen, and headed out the door.
Forgetting my pain, sapatu in hand I limped after him, intent on finishing the job that had been made significantly easier.
I opened the external kitchen door just in time to see a fat familiar tail vanishing into the neighbour’s cat’s mouth…
I swear I have never felt so cheated in my entire life.
August 5th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Rodent socks!! I’m on a roll!
Naye weak dudes!! Hahaha….Loving your stories man.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Bruce pic- this is SPAAAAARTA-Hehe dats killer!
August 5th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
dude, i’ve allowed. and i don’t flee from rodents…not anymore. in fact when i grow up i want to be a rodent-buster
August 5th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
oooh heartbroken…. Realy hurts. Especially if its the cat. It will not even let go…
August 5th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Mine are still tiny cute baby mice, are you sure they are the same ones that turn into the likes of Bruce?
August 5th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
No worries. Bruce Jr should be making an appearance soon.
August 5th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Reminds me of the baby size adult mice that keep entering our house. They never die whatever you give them and they hardly ever get trapped. Even cats just stare at them like they are dolls. Once, a kitten killed one of them and began playing with it like a football.
Mom thinks they are part of a breed from some Mad Professor’s lab. I hear there is a mad professor in Kampala who used to have them in his lab for experiments. When he died, it is said so many of these baby sized mice were found in his house and most of them ended up in people’s houses in Kampala.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Hehehehehe….i need to write on my experience too.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
i bow!
August 7th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Lol. Lol. Double lol, I can imagine. Gwe, this post was like an action movie. I could hear the show down song in my head, you know, like in cow boy flicks. Sad that the bad guy, see rat, died. The sequel could have been something major!
August 10th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
hahaha i be chasing a baby rat in my house really!
August 13th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
lol
but mudamuli, that story is oba suspicious? lol
August 14th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Dude, this is hilarious….WEAKNESS just..too much WEAKNESS.but that cat, why did it have to steal the show eh?
August 27th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
lol!!!!!