Two W.E.A.K Dudes

Good afternoon boys and girls.

Ever had one of those days when you just needed some… drama in your life. When things just were not exciting enough? When you needed to add that extra spark in your life? When you just… you get the drift.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration, I present, in seven easy examples, “Living la Vida loca, ala DK“.

Example 1
Jump on a boda boda with a 20 litre jerrycan of petrol. Tell the guy to head to Juba. Tell him yes, the one in Sudan.

Example 2
Wake up at 3am, go out and look for a pack of wild dogs. Count them, make sure there are more than five. Kick one.

Example 3
Get your best outfit. Rip it to shreds. Throw it out in the mud and stamp on it a few times. Wear it. Head to work. Actually, head to church.

Example 4
Walk into Serena during dinner time with a kaveera. Head over to their most expensive restaurant. Pick up one of the plates that are always on the tables. Loudly ask the waiter to bring you a fork, while making a lot of noise about it. Pour your beans, posho and binyeebwa from the kaveera onto the plate. Sit on the floor. Eat calmly.

Example 5
Buy a new padlock or something (preferably Solex). Wake up bright and early on a Monday morning. Head to the office. Lock up the office from the outside. Put up a KCC notice saying “Locked due to violation of trading license regulations.” Head to the beach. Switch your phone off. Have a CV ready.

Example 6
In the middle of a board meeting, start sniffing the air like someone just let loose. Continue sniffing, going around the room till you reach the Chairman. Balefully stare at him. Sniff pause sniff pause sniff… pause. Move closer to him/her. Sniff once. Choke. Run out the room holding your mouth like you’re gonna throw up. Again, have a CV ready.

Example 7
Walk into a supermarket or pharmacy when it’s super crowded. Go to the cashier, look her in the eye. Smile wickedly. Ask for Rough Rider condoms. Extra large. Put on a pair of gloves. Tear open one condom thingie from the pack she hands you, pull out the condom. Proceed to analyze it, measure it, stretch it. Throw it in the trash, push the pack back to her and ask her if they have them in XXL.

you know,  ragga dee is a winner. dude rocks, he is the ish. he is a star.  especially his new reggaetone song.(and to think i dont particularly appreciate reggaetone) where/how does he come up with this stuff, eh?

nuff sed.

ps. what?? you thought i was goin to go on rambling about the dude, eh? go away, i  have a job!!

due to certain circumstances/incidents/shenanigans, i have recently thrown out (or maybe, perhaps been thrown out by) all the hot babes in me life. so if yo female and still in my life, chances are yo not hot!! damn, am sorry!!

how the heck am i expected to listen to newsboys without Peter Furler.  no offence Michael Tait, naye…

in other news, thank God for honest conductors. this morning i was so mesmerized by a beautiful girl with a tramp stamp. the tatoo was of a flower, but this time, it had a stem, leading all the way to her crack. i was so in the zone, i followed her out and forgot about my balance, but the conductor being the good man he is, hollad at a brotha. cracking stem or not, i needed my money.

hi darlyne!

peace out!!

yesterday, the unthinkable almost happened, but trust me never to disappoint.

so, a lovely pretty young (she will kill me for this) thing called me up last evening. apparently there was a pig leg that was specially being chopped up for us over at some fancy restaurant. never one to disappoint in such cases, i had scooted over to where she was in no time and off we set.

we tried to make small talk as we waited, but my mind was on that leg. suffice to say my rumblings were incoherent. when the leg finally arrived where my salivating drooling incoherent self was, the pork greed in me pompously declared how it must have been just half a leg coz it looked katono katono. little did i know, little did i know that the unthinkable would almost happen. see, in my entire life i have never, ever, EVER EVER left pork on a plate.  not once, only bones go back to the kitchen. you ask DK. he would know, i mean dude falls under the same category. but last night, my world almost changed, i almost lost my proud record.  ba guy, i tell you the pork jammed. for real. i could not believe my eyes, when thinking i was done, i looked over at the platter only to see an extra four pieces of the leg staring back at me, oba they were the toes, i dont know but i was demoralised when i saw them. even the residents in my stomach were saying dude, enough is enough. imagine, the punks!! the more i looked at it, the more i saw that record going down until i could not take it anymore and so i vowed my record was not goin down that time. heck i had to impress the pretty thing infront of me.

so i dug in, and boy dig did i. i took my time, settled in and agonisingly destroyed them toes(or maybe it was the calf). after what seemed like an eternity, the enemy was wiped out. and i think i impressed the damsel. but i say, that was the slowest and longest i might add, 35 seconds of my life. phew!!!

am outta here, you know it makes sense!!

ps. after last night, am still belching the delicacy left right and in the middle. am a goner!!

Moto Moto rocks! Wait for it. Trust me, it’s worth the wait.

so i had kalo(millet bread/millet posho?) and beans for supper last night. awesome stuff i tell you…

i, however, could not get a wink of sleep the entire night coz the lil’ homies in my stomach were having a party. there were loud joyous celebrations all night. this naturally culminated in two massive dumps this morning in the space of 30 minutes. suffice to say my double woke up the other person in the house and for a while they thought there was an earthquake taking place. i mean, how do you explain the fact that soon after wards they groggily asked if i had heard the earthquake. all i could manage was a sheepish smile before getting ready for work.

so, do i regret it, you may ask?? answer is a resounding NOP!!!!!

she like zani and neo-soul, and she walk fast down the street. i met her in the taxi, sat next to her and she kept lookin at me, like she knew who i was. i let my game do all the work for me. i told her if you jot down your number you’ll get mine in exchange. and i told her, here’s my name and numb, if i aint the one, lose it, if i am use it.

lemme tell you about a girl i know….
i called her and i told her i hope you wouldn’t mind if i showed you around, so when you go to certain places you’ll be thinkin of me. we went places and met lotsa of people. opened up her heart coz she said i made her feel so comfortable. bang bang, shorty shot me in the heart. i told her you make me wanna stay here in heaven with you. she said she like me but she had a man. bang bang, she shot me in the heart again. i got up to leave but she was hangin on ma sleeve. i ask her, why you tryin’ to cage me in and when i leave we both know you’ll be callin him. i told her i’ll be back soon, dont cry, i’ll bless you with a text soon.

lemme tell you about a girl i know….
she called me in the morn’ told me her dude was acting up. he’d seen the text and he didnt like my style. her man was weak, he run when i pulled out my cellphone. i told her, baby will you be my corona and lime, and i’ll be your main squeeze and if your dude dont like my style, we can take it to the street. but she told me, i know your kind, you a player, cant trust your kind. i told her, i admit these just aint words that am spitting. if you could see the thoughts that’s in my head. am tripping, am a player, its true but i’ll change the game for you. i would leave everyone of them, just say it. you’re too good to be my side chic. baby will you be my corona and lime, and i will be your main squeeze.

lemme tell you about a girl i know….
we went out saturday night and we had a swell time. showed each other things we aint never seen before. met lotsa of people. held hands, slow danced while the records played, play fight in the dark. and then she pushed me away, hit me in the chest and started to cry. said she goin back to her man. bang bang! so am standing there embarrassed, if we were both in paris, i would have grabbed her by the waist and kissed her. but we were in the middle of the barbeque lounge, aint supposed to beef. so i told her, baby will you be my corona and lime, and i will be your sandy beach.

lemme tell you about a girl i love!

today while we were cruising through one of the slums in kla in a taxi, we chanced upon a camel. of course we all took a moment off to do the mandatory maalo, even the driver, actually especially the driver coz the next thing we knew, there was a howling stray scrawny dog under his car.

now there was this chap right next to me who went beyond the mandatory maalo. fellow saw the camel and let out a strange sound that in his apparent excitement sounded like the sound made by a kid who is clutching their stomach in pain and running at break neck speed to the first toilet in sight.

and in his excitement he tries to stand up while turning at the same time to catch what i assume on his behalf was a more meaningful glimpse of the camel while the driver accelerated away from the howling stray. in that single movement, dude had smashed his head against the roof of the car and let loose from his rear a sound that silenced everyone in the taxi while we all turned to look at him. the silence did not last long though, coz almost immediately there was incessant chatter among the passengers as some laughed at him while others made excuses for him and still others cursed him loudly.

in all that kavuyo what happened next was painful, very painful. it seems someone took advantage of all the kavuyo and let rip a deadly but silent Dubya MD. windows were immediately slid open without a care to how much dust came in, doors were flung open in protest, all in an effort to de-configure the WMD but to no avail. suffice to say, we all left the taxi coz we were losing fresh air faster than…whatever, just know it was fast. and last thing i heard, the conductor was desperately blaming the chap that had been seated next to me for costing him that route’s dimes