Two W.E.A.K Dudes

i think you and i both have established by now that am never going to be good with titles and that sort of rot, so could you please stop thinking that the title is a giveaway to whatever am going to post about.

and while we are still on the topic of what am going to post about, can i just say that i absolutely remember tosh all about what i wanted to say here. so once again, see why the titles are never of help. so dont go running around saying “oh he posted about this or that” just because you happened to read the title.

so anyway, an attempt at posting as i try to remember what exactly i wanted to say;

is it not just so ironic that the chap who claims to have burnt down the tombs is actually a muganda. its all over today’s dailies like a wuss all over a girl he just cannot get out of his thick skull, if he’s got one that is. hey, am not linking to the story, go buy the freaking newspapers, support the economy .
so hypothetically speaking, if the baganda decided to punish this man and his ilk for doing this, i wonder which type of baganda they will be taking on. oh, did i mention he’s a witchdoctor-turned-Catholic. ok, if you know you are a witchdoctor-turned-Catholic, lets just say i feel for you.

i have developed a love for people who stutter. i am collector of them. i want to hang around them and just chill in their presence coz i happen to think they are f**cking cool. yeah, you read right, they are some of the coolest people i know and i’ll tell you why. see way back then, i used to laugh at them, it was just awesome listening to them try to talk coz i knew any second i would be on the floor laughing my ass off.  i remember receiving a call once from a stuttering local celebrity. i was on the way to take a piss. i decided to take the call first. bad move, my bladder almost gave way for being put on hold for over 20minutes for a 5minute phone call. i kept trying to finish his sentences for him….it was all i could do to keep from bursting out with laughter. another time when i was still in high school, there was this one chap that had the baddest stutter i had ever heard in my very short (short both physically and in terms of time) life at the time. because it was high school, we practically had to book everything from showers to flat irons after the person that was using them at that moment. so this chap happened to be trying to book a flat iron after someone else but the words just couldn’t come out and the more he tried the more they continued to just lounge in his throat with no intention of coming out. dude, coaxed and sweet talked them in his head and just as they were about to come out, some other chap walks over and books before him.  needless to say there was an explosive argument about who had booked first. where was i, i hear you ask?? well i ask you, was there a floor in the vicinity?? damn right, there was one and i was on it with tears streaming down my face from all the laughing. so my fascination with stutterers (is that a real word, i seem to coin a new one every week :D) has never ceased, except that nowadays i don’t laugh at them but am rather in awe of them. see i have this friend who stutters but the way he does it is so amazing, i love it.  most people think its a bad thing and an impediment, not me. i think that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense. and my goodness, i love suspense. this chap has mastered the art of suspense, if i were a girl….

a few days ago, i was talking on phone to a lovely girl who happens to think she’s old enough to be my mum, after all am just a mere 19 years old but thats besides the point. we got to talking about sexual networks. strangely enough she didn’t sound like a mother telling her son about sexual networks and all. but again thats besides the point. we got to breaking them down and just classifying them into categories. here’s what we came up with, so sleek which one are you in;

a) the heterosexual network. kayola.

b) the gay/lesbian network. no comment.

c) the bi-sexual network. sleek anything to say? someone wants to know where to apply. i gave them your number.

d) the bestiality network. who does that, seriously?? what? what if someone looks like moto-moto?? get outta here, stop being rude to moto-moto or as she would say, rewd!!! moto-moto is awesome!

e) the alter-boys network. this one is exclusive, if you aint a priest, don’t apply.

i have a friend called becky who can talk. apparently she has a very high word limit per day that she has got to attain. she once confided in me that she’s never managed to hit it and thats why she had to keep talking day in day out. woman even talks in her sleep just so she can have a head start on the next day. so i have mastered the art of only picking out the important lines of her talk while i get to concentrate on doing other things…whoever said men could not multi-task didn’t know about me.  the worst time is when she is narrating a movie or a story. during those hard times in my life, i always think of pulling out a card that says “Stay tuned for Part 2″ just so she can stop talking. and it seems am the only one of her friends who gets to go through such hard times, *sigh*

last night on my way home i saw a passenger bus named LOL express. i just had to stop and have a peek. and indeed inside were some two fellows laughing out loud while the other 10 passengers had these silly grins on their faces. am not sure if they were just jolly people or the name of the bus had thrust it upon them but they certainly were rhyming with it. and when i told DK about it, he said they were soon naming one LMAO express, and he would know after all this bus was headed to his home town

and on that note, i now remember what funny things i originally wanted to post about. i wanted to tell y’all about my uncle, radios and locking ourselves out of the office. so i have this uncle, right?? and this guy is…oh crap, i just hit my self imposed word limit for the day. another time perhaps

am outta here, you know it absolutely makes no sense

ok as you can see, i am still not good with titles and that sort of rot. and in that regard just so you know, this joint right here nigga, this joint right here..it aint dedicated to anyone at all.

first off my shout outs today go to my good luck, you know who you are and you rock. cyber high five, babe!!!

so DK left me here all by myself the cheeky bastard, mbu he is taking a hiatus. who does that to their bosom buddy? oh, scratch that we cant really be bosom buddies if i never let him anywhere near my bosom and never ever attempt to be near his. so again i ask, who does that to his buddy?? take a web hiatus, *sigh* but being the good friend that i am,  i promised to keep the place busy. of course all i really meant to say to him is that i would try and post my katogo of stories once or twice during the 3 months he is internet celibating (is that a real word…if not i claim it :D). and so here we go…..

on monday we woke up to the news that in the near future bars just might be closing by 10pm. now am not going into the merits and de-merits of that, so many pips already have done that. one even went as far as breaking it down financially for the government, mbu how it would affect them. no, i won’t give you the link so you can sod off. anyway am here with a suggestion. i shall henceforth be throwing house parties, but, and here is the catch, carry your own drinks. yes sleek and crew and everyone else they will be throwing out of bars after 10pm my place will be open for y’all. but please please,  come with your own soda and yo own juice. what? what is that you say?? beer?? shya. the most i’ll provide is sweet pepsi so you can beat the breathalyser test. you know how orange juice and sodas can be, getting you all high and ish.  so, DK is the organizer, contact him!!

of late their is an influx of what DK would term as sentient bums in the city. i swear everywhere i turn there’s a bum that has a  life of its own, very independent of the owner. the owner can be going about their business as usual and this bum is also doing its own thing. i could swear sometimes its like its trying to tell you something….its that independent!!!  and as it happens, this one time i was heading to work during a downpour and i saw one that made me gasp, choke on my gasping and then allow….all three i tell you. there was this chic holding this really huge umbrella over her head and it was doing a pretty impressive job of actually keeping her dry as she made her way along  kampala road. well that was until i noticed her wet bum.  now the bum was the only wet part of her. and it was so alive and independent of her that it was not even under the umbrella. it seemed so oblivious to the presence of the umbrella. well, either that or it knew it was to sentient to fit into the umbrella covered area. whatever the case, it was on its own doing its own thing while the owner also protected what she could from the rain. i swallowed hard!!

now, as some of you know, my friend fat bizzy has brought untold misery to my life and last week was no exception. i went to play soccer and gave it a go as always. it was a blast and i even went away with a nearly dislocated jaw from a right footed shot to my chin from fat bizzy. not that i was complaining, coz at that point it didn’t really hurt much, but boy was i about to find out. that night a certain lovely girl that had been promising burgers for over a month decides she wanted to do it there and then….the burger silly anyway so am there chilling, nursing my jaw and beginning to feel the pain only for her to call and say, “its now or never!” within minutes i was at javas cafe trying to rub my jaw into submission for the task at hand.  but my jaw was having non of it. i insisted and went ahead to order for one. i felt it snap at the first bite and i froze.  i just couldn’t go on, i thought about packing it but figured i would get home and just go through the same routine. then just at that time along came fat bizzy. he saw us, stumbled over heavily and stopped at our table while mumbling his greetings. he then looked at my miserable face, looked at the burger in front of me. back and forth he went for about a minute and a half until it dawned onto the thick skulled one. i couldn’t bite. with a very diabolical laugh he lunged at the burger and was at it in seconds…the fool. i am devising ways of making him pay, ideas are very welcome, thank you!

recently i happened to stumble into a meeting with some chaps discussing this and that and they of course asked me for my opinion once in a while, but for the most part i was just dozing off as i waited for the reason i was there to wrap up the meeting so we could talk. turns out i was not the only one all over this chic called sleep, my reason for being there was also stealing glances at her. and so it transpired that after one of my numerous but very short escapades with sleep, i awoke to a very rancid smell in the room. turns out someone had let loose. and so began my quest to find out the culprit. all of sudden the other chap flirting with sleep was so awake, looking around with those shady, sneaky eyes and sweating profusely. i knew there and then i had my guy. with in a few minutes he had ended the meeting and called me outside. and the first thing he says(with a sheepish smile) is, and i quote “i think we need to get an AC up in this place coz it gets so hot and all these smells from outside are nasty!!”  needless to say i died.

last night the kasubi tombs were set ablaze by an (un)known person, depending on who you listen to. listening to some of the conspiracy theories my reaction has ranged from pure amazement at the genius of whoever is coming up with that particular theory to utter bafflement at the sheer stupidity of some of them.  anyway we got to talking about it last night with DK and we concluded that if your nose is small or long or both, you are currently an endangered species in kampala just in case riots break out. so a little advice from yours truly, google is your friend. am currently googling how to flatten my nose and make it even bigger. i have so far gotten a few tips ranging from flattening it with one single blow of the hammer to just cutting it off. some of the other tips like surgery and rubbing it in a certain way just dont seem macho enough for me so i downright ignored them. gosh am i so mean to be looking at the funny side of things in all this.

anyway thats it for today, i do have work you know and seeing as yo not paying for this am out like vapors. next time i’ll be telling you about my uncle.

peace out, you know it makes no sense whatsoever

today it hit me that we had not blogged in over a month…very not like us, and so i decided to break this one and half months old self imposed blogging virginity. yeah i said it. shoot me!

so anyway onto the things and thangs…..

nowadays a lot of businesses and individuals are advertising their services or whatever you would call whatever it is they are offering. take for example, the rolex making chap near my home. this chap is the reason i never invite my rolex eating buddies home, he will embarrass me. i keep imagining am out chillin with my buddies and talk shifts to whose place has the baddest and worst rolex chap….what will i say. i don’t want to have the label of “worst rolex guy is in his hood”. it will tarnish my image and reputation. anyway back to the point of this story, this chap is the only rolex supplier in that forsaken place(and every single minute spent yearning for a rolex while am home, is also spent asking God to send us another rolex fella) but he still carries out some form of advertising if you can call it that. somewhere on his stand are the words(and number) ” kam hier to mustafa’s woteli 4 tha best chapati, sumbusa and of kos rolex meking for the nu millennium” No wonder he sucks at his job….and how did he even manage to spell millennium right!! but the one ad that has absolutely done it for me, was the one i saw on one of them long distance trucks driven by somalis. at the back, both sides and the front were the words “we accept rejected wives”. I died….totally!!

recently, two of my cousins were graduating and seeing as they are siblings, it was decided after much deliberation within their family, that they would have a joint grad party instead of two separate ones….don’t look at me like that… i wasn’t there during those deliberations. i just went for the food and drinks. anyway as is wont to be, the older generation was there en mass. these chaps kept stressing me and another cousin of mine to introduce our girlfriends to them and blah blah blah. we smiled our way out of the questions till we got dragged before our granny. soon as she asks the dreaded girlfriend question, my cousin tired of all the stress just blurts out “am gay!” cue dumbfounded looks all around!! on seeing the looks on their faces, he warms up to his now favorite subject and assures them if they continue to associate with him, they just might become liable to seven years in jail pending the outcome of the new (anti)gay bill debate.  my phone has not stopped ringing from relatives dying to find out whether its true. at this rate am thinkin of diverting all my calls to his line, that way he shocks them some more by insisting it is true. and to think the man has a string of babes!!

in the just concluded Africa cup of Nations, two things happened that had be ROTFLMAO. one was when there was a closeup of the ref’s hind side during a game. dude had the biggest insect i have seen chilling on his bum. for real. it looked like it was on a chiller grazing on his bum and the commentators were merciless about it all, they couldn’t stop laughing.

the second thing was when i noticed that during the first 3 matches the fourth official was using wooden cardboards to indicate substitutions and time added on. however, during the fourth and fifth matches, am at home watching and i notice that they were using the electronic boards sanctioned by fifa. cue me texting some chap and asking him whether they just had no batteries to run the damn boards during the first 3 games or they were just saving up the little they had for further in the tournament.  this was his reply “the rebels had taken the sh*t hostage”. according to him, the rebels having failed to get any hostages from the togo debacle, had decided to atleast take the electronic boards hostage and negotiate with the government.needless to say, i cried…from all the laughing!!!

after events of last night, i am totally and utterly depressed. can i just say that arsenal are fake, matter of fact, what i really want to say is that arsenal are @#$*&$@! and @#$*&$@! and @#$*&$@!  and no, i don’t feel any better.

go away….am out!

6:45 AM, I dash out of the house, and just before I jump on a boda, something tells me to take a look at my feet.

I realise I’m wearing two very different socks. As in socks clashing so blindly even a blind man would riot. I curse violently, rush back into the house, search frantically for at least one other sock to make a pair, and it slowly dawns on me that those are the only socks I have.

Somehow in the kavuuyo of shifting, I lost the other two sides.

I curse some more, then dash out and look for an open shop. I find a dude selling socks bright and early by the road-side, breathe a sigh of relief and hastily buy a pair, dash back into the house to change, only to realise the socks I’ve just bought are those silly things that stop at your heels. And to make it worse, my foot size is nowhere near average,

I run back out, and find the dude has vanished.

By this time, my language is exceptionally colourful.

I say screw it, jump on a boda with my two different socks, hoping no one looks at both of them, but with my tall frame, my pants stop at my shins when I sit on a boda.

So my socks are displayed in all their glory.

I grin like an idiot, braving the looks, until two microscopic kids in the back seat of a Prado start laughing at me. I was this >-< close to hurling down fire and brimstone on their shiny gap-toothed heads.

I got to office and mercifully mercifully mercifully there was a hawker. After much scrutiny, I finally buy  a shiny new pair of socks and end my saga.

Until some fool at the office asked me if I was wearing socks. Mbu the socks looked so dark they thought it was my skin.

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

…as promised

entering mushiness mode,

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Done!

while still in mushiness mode {

echo  ”pam, you totally rock, you are an awesome musketeer! you know why ;) ”

}

exit mushiness mode,

Done!

In other news, we rocked Liverpool’s world last night, more to follow….

first of all i would like to send my greetings out to Elle B, Darlyne, phoebe, sleek and the village girl(you know who you be).

now, as you must have noticed from the above line, i totally have nothing to write about, am just scrounging for stuff…i mean who sends out greetings on their blog. so i shall attempt to turn my inane bumwittery into something regaling, but if i fail, hey forewarned is forearmed( though i must state that this is not a battle and hence i shall give you no licence to attack me, sleek, you heard!) now go grab, a cup of coffee, tea, porridge, or whatever it is you drink on pretentiously cold days, i promise i’ll wait….promise. scouts honor!

right, so for those of you who drink nothing, here we go…so this morning, i was there to see DK off before he hit the road! ok fine, i wasn’t really there,  i just bumped into him and dude is all like, “hey son, while am away, you gotta keep the W.E.A.Kness burning” while patting me on the head like am his little son. and am all like, “dude just coz am a dwarf compared to you, doesn’t make me your son, heck, otherwise half of kla would be your seed”

anyway be that as it may, i am here to bore you off of your desks and into taking a walk or something coz you just can not believe how crap random thoughts and stories really are.

friday night, after what seemed like a quarter of a night out with a cool damsel, …and please note, that the word cool is used with reckless abandon here, the scale used here is for you mere mortals not for us W.E.A.K chaps, yes, you read right, we are not mere mortals and are as cool as cucumbers, ask Nameless…. i get into a taxi home and some chappie is there doing justice to a full stem of sugarcane, i was visibly impressed and he must have noticed coz he winked at me and offered some. i grudgingly declined because i knew what was to follow. barely had the taxi started moving, than the contretemps ensued. chic next to him complained and hurled abuse after abuse at him. and all he kept telling her was, “chic, we both know you just want some of my sugarcane, so instead of stressing my life, just take some and dig in, i wont tell unless you do ” that right there just made my night to the extent that i was almost tempted to go with them pakalast( Erique, you guys are paying me for this, right?) coz my stage had come to soon.

random thought: guys (as in male and all that), don’t you find it disturbing that when you are seated on a boda boda, it seems like your legs and thighs are almost wrapped around the boda boda chap’s bum and thighs, its a depressing random thought i tell you. i once sat on one and the chap kept pushing back like he wanted my thighs to wrap round him in an embrace. i had to stop the guy, get off and let him know i would walk the rest of the way…we were in bukoto and i was headed to town at 2am in the morning, go figure!

saturday i was chilling with my cousin at their home watching movies. just a little history about him. he has a head, my cousin. thats the only way anyone can describe him. he has a head. coz its really hard to put that head into words, its almost like an uncut stone but way bigger. he has a son and the only thing he ever gave him was that head, infact if it was not for the head, he could have easily denied the son and no one would have batted an eyelid(do eyelids really bat, seriously??). anyway i have totally forgotten what i wanted to tell you about this cousin of mine, except for the fact that on saturday he saw a little mouse, let out a girlish scream, tried to get into the chair next to him and landed face first on top of me and thats when his mum decided to find out the cause of the raucous….

sunday, aforementioned cool damsel( did i tell you how cool she is, no?? she is as cool as balafu ) and i head to the movies and while there we decide to get a cup of tea while we wait for our turn…those fools apparently you just can not pay and then enter the cinema anytime anyway you feel like. no sir, you wait your turn..after paying, urghhh!! so yeah, we decide to bum around at the coffee/icecream joint.  i got my first lesson of african tea yesterday. i am 113% not into milk tea so i rarely pay attention to it or its cousins, yesterday i took note though after we were left seething…cool girl for the fact that she asked for african tea and they brought her milk with coffee and then later exchanged it for just plain milk with a little sprinkling of cinammon, me? well just seething on behalf of cool girl and the fact that their cakes seem to have shrunk. you should have seen her, she put them in their place…bulungi and all the time am there cheering her on, go go go cool girl! moral of the story: i now know how to prepare african tea so for the next BHH i volunteer my skills and if it sucks…never mind, it wont coz i plan on hiring her services.

random thought: why do scars itch. they should either man up in their simpering ways and hurt or failing that hand their balls in on the way out. but no, they choose to itch in a ticklish way…who the hell does that! the source of the scars, you ask?? well last thursday while playing soccer, some fella trips me and down i stumble sliding amongst all those small rough stones. In pain i grit my teeth, get up look at the chap and blurt out through clenched teeth “You think you hurt me? Pah! Bigger men than you have failed, son, get away with you before I lose my temper” why hide your pain, i hear you ask, well the neighborhood belle was in the hood. wait, this wasn’t a random thought, dang it!

monday, here i am chilling, whiling away the time by coming up with stories to fill my blog and trying not to scratch my scars as i doze off.

tuesday, oh crap its only still monday *sigh*

catch you on the other side, am outta here. you know it makes sense!!

ps. OnMyRadio(album)-Musiq Soulchild rocketh(Mr. Basiks,tell them)
Piece by Piece(album)-Katie Melua rocketh too(..uh…oba darlyne you tell them)

monday almost came and went by without incident, until about 7pm. remember fat bizzy?? yeah??? well he resurfaced in my life after an eternity, well more like 2months but you get the drift. dude called and our convo went abit like this;

fat bizzy: “sup ems”

me(in mocking voice): “sup player player”

fat bizzy: “ems enough with that already you bum scratching, lice infested and…(ok, you get the drift, cant continue with his tirade for the sake of my sanity…oh and yours as well). anyway can you come over,  there’s something i need to talk to you about”

me: “but you guy fatso, you think you can just come in and out of my reality like so and diss me, matter of fact i was just on my way home and i know we are almost neighbors but you can take yo fat ass and shove it up…”

fat bizzy(interrupting): dude, there’s pork(he lied) and wine(he didnt lie)

it took me 20 minutes to get to kansanga from wandegs, dont ask me how i also dont know.

as always, the wine guzzling had the condition of having to listen to fat bizzy and whatever he had to rant about… i never minded much coz i always figured if i do half the bottle i wont be listening anymore save for nodding my head as i dozed off and repeating the latest statement coming out of him once in a while.

alas it wasnt to be this time. as i sipped on my wine, dude dropped the bombshell, he had gotten a girlfriend. needless to say, i choked on the wine while trying to laugh and am there thinking, feck this, what will they say on my funeral if i die…that he choked on alcohol and laughter, huh?

i had to think of an instant retort. “its not palm handerson’s sister is it” i asked. that almost earned me a slap round my head  but i was too swift for his lumbering fat hand. as it turns out, he had gotten himself a PYT to replace his old sweetheart, palm handerson and i was there to give him advice on how not to mess it up.

as i left his place i could not help but wonder how he was not goin to mess up considering that he wanted to throw a congratulations party for himself and invite all his full party of friends(4 of us mind you) plus the PYT….

anyway, onto other silly things. last saturday while watching soccer with a few friends, we got to talking about how to get obsessive girls off our backs. the usual stuff was brought up; you know, don’t pick up her calls, act mean(though in my experience this usually keeps them around), act the opposite of what you were during those first few dates). basically we were getting the usual drivel, until some chap called jamo gave us the wickedest story. this one was for both world cup and olympics combined.

now before i give you this story, this is a disclaimer, Jamo is not the emrys and we are in no way related ok? yeah?? right, now the story!

jamo went on to tell us how he had tried to get this particular chic off his case. he had tried all possible ways to no avail until one evening she insists on meeting him, she needed someone to talk to blah blah blah. our hero meantime had a massive case of flatulence on his case, it still couldn’t save him. so to the joint he marches, gets their early and chooses the most isolated corner, makes his order and promptly lets flatulence take reign. dude just goes all out, hakuna matata and just as he is in the middle of letting jack the ripper out of his grave, he sees her making a beeline for his corner. that is when it hit him, he figured if she got hit by the onslaught, it was a wrap. so after the hugs and ish and noticing that her nose was now wrinkly, our hero decides that jack had left without his shears. being the nice guy that he is, he calls jack back and decides to hand him his tools. to cut the really long story short(it was punctuated by very loud guffaws and sneers from the rest of us), the damsel endured for another 30 minutes, found an excuse to leave and has never been spotted in the company of jamo since.

when calm was finally restored, we were left wondering how she even managed 30 minutes in his presence. i mean whoever knows jamo  will tell you, you can not manage even 2 minutes in his presence when he gets an attack of the flatees…you risk death by suffocation if you do!

right, onto even sillier things. today i left office for a while to go practice drums with jason from nodesix. on our way back we decide to do bodas, that is when we came across… oh crap, boss man just walked in, gotta get back to work. jason get a blog and tell the stories, cant keep telling your stories for you.

peace out people!!

To whoever has been pouring buckets of ice into our water tank in the middle of the night lately and reducing three grown men to quivering whimpering masses of fear and trepidation when faced with an ice-cold shower in the very early morning, I have only this to say “Be off, damn and blast thee, ye wanton, flatulent, swill-fed dog-eared boot-licker!”

And if I ever lay my hands on thee, ye better say thy prayers, thou pernicious, grovelling, milk-swilling boar-snouted maggot!

Affectionately yours,

DK

So yesterday I’m giving a certain lovely damsel a push back to her hostel. We reach her room, she knew her room-mate was in the room, so she she knocks, no answer. She knocks again, no answer.

So she decides to open the room with her key. The door opens and we see a pair of brown male buttocks hastily vanishing into the shower.

I still can’t stop laughing. Since the damsel didn’t know who the dude was, I christened the buttocks Jack.

Uganda Blogger's Happy Hour - 24th September 2009

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