holy cow! okay, more like bull…
Happy New Year and all that yiddish.
I was supposed to have posted this last year, but got sidelined by all the drama, so I think now would be a great time to blog about one of the coolest things that happened to me last year.
—
It was a cold stormy winter’s night. The wind shrieked and howled through the trees like it was hellbent on tearing them apart. Somewhere in the darkness, an owl hooted, sending a chill…
Wait, wrong story.
One day, a Wednesday, I’m heading to Kyebando, that mysterious place of closure. I leave office early and take a slow lazy stroll to Nakulabye, hop into a cab, get out at Wandegeya without any drama. I take the shortcut from the stage below the Campus main gate, through the shops towards the roasted chicken area.
Someone shouts my name, I turn around, it’s my ex and her best friend. We mumble a few greetings, the obligatory “hi”, the mandatory “so how are you” and the stab-you-in-the-gut “I’m all good, doing great, you?”. We part ways a few seconds later and I continue my leisurely calvin-style walk through the chickenhood. I’m feeling a little on top of the world, so I start humming along to “Forever” by Chris Brown. In my mind’s eye, Chris Brown was taking dance lessons from me and I had all the lights, camera and action in the video.
Until a bird poops on my head. Right as I was about to hail a taxi.
I mumble expletives, looked up at the tree branch and rain curses down on its pointy beaked head, pull out my “hankie”, wipe my shiny pate clean and proceed to jump on the nearest boda boda.
We cruise for about a minute until we reach the “ku-biri” Bwaise - Wandegeya junction. At that point traffic has slowed to a crawl, even the bajaj guy was finding it hard to move. We inch along a few more minutes before I notice a snail on the pavement doing better time than us.
I hop off the bike and proceed to race the snail for all of two seconds. I leave it cowering in my dust.
At this point, as I near Kalerwe, it is clear there is some kind of commotion ahead that has completely stopped traffic. There is a massive crowd milling about, some screaming intermittently, alternately shouting. I thought there had been an accident.
Curiousity has always had the better of me, so I hasten to partake of this… je ne sais qoui.
Imagine my disappointment when I discover that it’s only a bull in the middle of the road. I wonder how a mere bull could cause such damage and I’m about to write it off as a waste of time.
Until it charged.
Oh you should have seen it! Ferocity has never been so magnificent!
If one could slow down time, this is how it would appear:
The bull snorts, sending a rush of hot steamy breath from its adrenaline dilated nostrils. The dust before it churns with this palpable anger, sending small pebbles rolling, as if to hide from this ferocity.
It raises its magnificent long Ankole horns to the heavens and bellows a prayer of rage, promising vengeance and terror on those that dare stand in its way.
Then it looks down, straight at the guy holding the rope, who appears to have soiled his pants more than once in the past hour.
Its eyes glisten, a deep tint of righteous malice in them, pupils dilate, taking in as much visual information as possible, processing it simultaneously and filtering for death and maximum damage.
It paws the ground with its right forefoot, hoof pounding away with such energy as to crack the dry earth.
It snorts once more, and suddenly dashes off in a bee line for the rope dude.
All this happens to fast that all we hear are screams from the people in its path. Mercifully, the guy with the rope jumps at the last minute and the bull missed. No one is hurt, but people are sprawled all over the ground, in danger of being trampled.
The bull stand still, analysing the situation. The rope desperado approaches from behind and almost gets kicked in the nuts. People scream and laugh, and the dude checks his assets just to be sure.
The bull turns and charges again, this time straight in my direction!
I have never felt such terror. The crowd before me is parting, people diving to either side of the onslaught. After the briefest moment of paralysis, adrenaline takes over. I turn and run straight ahead, pushing people out my way and being pushed out of the way. My entire being screams escape! Survive man, survive! I run. And run and run and run!
Next thing I knew, I’m on top of a blue pick up. How on earth I got there I will never know. All I know it it’s blue and I’m on top of it. Despite the massive pain have on my right leg, I’m exultant, I am alive! The bull has run past and again, no one is hurt. It would seem Ugandans are more efficient that we give ourselves credit for.
The bull calms down, most likely preparing for the next attack.
Someone jumps on top of a truck, the driver carefully maneouvers the car near the bull. The guy with the rope is also on the truck, hanging over the side, trying to snag the bull. It sees him and tries to charge the entire truck. It bellows in pain as its horns grate the side of the Fuso.
Somehow, the guys on the truck manage to get the rope over the bull’s horns and pull tight, effectively tying it down.
Success, the bull has been trapped. More ropes are added until it cannot move.
As only Africans can, people come and start kicking, slapping and whipping the animal. It bellows again, this time in more pain and falls to its knees. Someone picks up a rock, and that’s when I decide to leave.
I shakily jump onto another bajaj, and head home.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Oh My Gosh!!!
Am trying really hard not to laugh hard!!!!
Your leg?? How did you run on to a pick up??!
Dude Props!!!
Oh Yah!!
These Socks are mine….
January 6th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
damn! i have been tossed by a bull, it sneaked up on me *yeah right* and tossed me over a barbed wire fence. must avoid wearing bright t-shirts on the farm.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I loved reading this. the tempo, the suspense the funny scenes: just the right mix. If you ever write a novel, fix this in somewhere.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Dude, i just cant stop laughing.
But i think yo watching too much
ESPN and those bull fighting shows.
But again kudos for being such a ninja
who knows what injuries that thing would
have inflicted upon yu.
January 6th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
hehehe…
lucky ninja you. made it to the new year.
oh happy new year by the way, we sh’d have a beer one o these days.
know y i can’t comment at the rogue king?
January 6th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
@TRP, trust me, that pickup saga is inexplicable.
@Elite, dude, you’ve been tossed by a bull, that sounds nasty.
@Minty, glad you liked it, maybe it’ll make it to Lulu’s anthology.
@Johny, man, no ESPN here, pure survival instincts.
@Eddsla, This thing of not being able to comment is worrying. Too many people have rioted. What browser are you using? And what exactly does it show you?
January 6th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
You man, don’t you have a phone with a camera and that recording thing? We could have had it on youtube running up hits like a problem. But this was something! Eh! A prayer for the guys who do the actual slaughtering!
January 6th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Iwaya, I know. Words cannot accurately capture the action. And my phone unfortunately has only two colours and no pinhole.
Now you know my I crave a camera so bad.
January 7th, 2009 at 8:11 am
3, waaaa I don’t believe yo kele about being tossed by the bull.
D.K I’ve never seen such action packed 3 minutes written like this before….At least you missed the thrill of flying off it’s horns, -It’s wow
January 7th, 2009 at 9:26 am
El matador! OLe ole. Was this one of those things on your bucket list? Oh and I was waiting for the killer twist that the blue pickup was a police patrol
January 7th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Gwe , this action packed slow motion thing is kooooooler than ice cold…I am so digging.
Hahahaha…thanks for the laugh man. The part where you landed on the blue pick up without knowing it…I almost died..
January 7th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Africans and curiousity….hehe (Ahem I’d be doing the same thing prob)
Must say I enjoyed reading this….and it brought back memories of bn chased by a bull in the village..
Meeting the ex…why did you skip past this? More details (okie me I just like drama)
January 7th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
goodness me, that is some serious adventure… you had a big kick start for this year or was it a big bang ending of 2008?
January 7th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
hahahaha i like! happy nu year my dear
January 7th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
@Emi’s… flying off its horns? Now that would be a permanent memory!
@Ole amigo! Man, if this was on my bucket list it wouldn’t have even started!
@Nev, lol, glad you had fun at my expense
just kidding.
@Val, actually the ex part was exactly that, a few mumbles and I was on my way.
@Sybella, happened towards end of last year, so big bang ending, lol.
@lulu, happy new year Luce!
January 7th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
It kinda felt like i was there in the whole drama….well told oba narrated or same thing.
How can u try to race a snail?
January 7th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
How come my name does not appear? Apr9
January 8th, 2009 at 7:30 am
and the stab you in the back i am fine, doing great, very very nnice line! can i patent it?
January 8th, 2009 at 8:12 am
SK, this is brilliant writing! what is getting into bloggers? everybody is churning out one good rhyme after another! Good job!
January 8th, 2009 at 9:50 am
@Apr9 Thanks, and I think you were being moderated, we moderate all commenters that haven’t appeared before, too much spam anti.
@Antipop, wow! a compliment from you? tis indeed a good year. sankyu sankyu. You can patent it, but I want royalties!
January 8th, 2009 at 11:40 am
DK, I don’t believe I’ve ever really said this and meant it but damn, you’re good!