embracing my fears
Almost posted this over at Rogue King, but figured it would be more appropriate here. Although, I still put up a related post.
—
2nd November 2001. I packed my suitcase, and the few things I’d shopped for the previous day. Rolled up my matress, threw it in the special hire vehicle and bid my farewells to my family.
About an hour later, I was standing in Kyambogo University, not too excited about the prospect. University was supposed to be the time of your life, but I wasn’t looking forward to it. I hadn’t done very well in my A’ levels, meaning I hadn’t gotten the course I wanted.
Everyone was dissappointed, uncles, aunties, cousins, you know the African drill. I’d been a top student from nursery, went to one of the best secondary schools, and even went back there for my A levels on merit. But A level was a nightmare.
My dad was especially dissappointed. Despite our *ish, the one thing he always bragged about to his friends was my so called intelligence. And that’s where his pride in me stopped, I think.
Or maybe it was my puberty fueled hormones doing the thinking.
So naturally, dear dad wanted me to repeat A level, saying I could do better. I refused, I told him it would be a waste of money. It would not make any difference.
Super pissed.
How could I tell him he was the reason I flunked. Because our relationship had become so bad that I dreaded home, that all I could at school was worry. Reading was impossible because my future freaked me out.
So I flunked.
Anyways, I got a government course at Kyambogo University, I didn’t like it, I switched courses, hated the new course even more. I couldn’t wait for the semester to end. When it did, I never went back.
My dad was pissed. Unbelievably, irrevocably pissed. The last conversation we had, he told me I wasn’t his son. That his son wouldn’t drop out of school.
We barely spoke after that.
He passed away the next year.
After that, my step ma and I, despite our almost ten year old *ish, bonded for the sake of my siblings, like somehow, we knew they would need me soon.
She passed away this year.
The past few months have been unbelievably painful. Spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically.
I became an adult when I stepped out of my parent’s home that Saturday, I was 18. Guess that legally made me an adult anyhow.
I became an adult because I never went back home.
I had to fend for myself.
I crashed on my cousins’ couch for a few months, then found a place to stay in Bwaise.
The rest as they say, is not history, it’s even more drama.
I became a parent when my step ma passed away.
Today I’m going back home.
I need to stay there for a few weeks, somehow get a few million shillings, renovate the place and let it out.
My dad bought the house when it was a shell, broken walls, muddy, dusty floor, unfinished roof, open rooms… We called it Boy’s Town because it was only my cousin and I who stayed in there. The rest f the family was renting a small crib next door.
My dad built it slowly, heck, my cousin and I did some serious manual labour for close to three weeks at one time. When he died, my step ma took over, and brought it to a very decent state, but still unfinished. It’s my turn now, I need to finish the house so we can rent it out, so my siblings can get some sustenance, fees, clothes on their back, etc. The restaurant died, so this is like their last hope.
Today I’m going back home, to finish what was started.
Can I face my fears. Can I face my demons?
October 31st, 2008 at 3:30 pm
[...] Related post over at 2 W.E.A.K Dudes. [...]
October 31st, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Am I first? Chaussettes?
October 31st, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Wow! I have to admire you for putting this up and I’m pretty sure you can face those demons.
October 31st, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Oui. I used to think I had to grow up very fast and take care of the home and all but now I know that I’ve been playing with marbles. I still have my parents to bail me out. I wish you all the best of blessings and godspeed as you face your fears. And I believe you can. You’ve matured haven’t you?
October 31st, 2008 at 4:20 pm
You’ve been through so much, DK!
And you’ll make it. God be with you.
October 31st, 2008 at 4:46 pm
I think by putting this up, you HAVE faced them. We both know Abba did not bring you this far to leave you.
Chin up!
October 31st, 2008 at 5:03 pm
amazing SoloKing
Amazing
let’s say a few prayers and also ask around if some of us can help you indeed…
October 31st, 2008 at 5:23 pm
All the best my brotha.
I know yu’ll make it.
And i know yo dad, siblings
and stepma are so proud of yu.
October 31st, 2008 at 7:25 pm
the mantle is heavy but i can see you taking it in your stride.
November 1st, 2008 at 12:07 am
I’ve been going through some tough times….but when I came here I knew there is someone I need to say a prayer for instead of focussing on my troubles. I will whisper a short prayer for you to the Almighty. It is well!!!
November 1st, 2008 at 3:08 am
This was so brutally honest…and I’m with Petesmom on that on..You are taking the steps to fight your demons..you will get there. God Bless!!
November 1st, 2008 at 6:51 am
Can’t go the whole ‘I know what you’re going through route.’
But I can say that I admire what you’ve been able to achieve thus far.
Abba will see you through the rest of it.
That’s a prayer I’m saying for you.
November 1st, 2008 at 11:22 am
oh My gosh Solomon. This is sadder than anything i have ever read on blogger… now i have the answer to the restaurant question i posed yesterday. Anyway, the important thing is that u do not lose hope. i am sure you wil pull through it all. God somehow always finds a way to get you through these moments. He will not fail you. Now i go off and cry silently, and get ashamed for thinking my problems were worse than anybody else’s.
November 1st, 2008 at 11:48 am
You are a very innovative and bright chap, Am sure you’ll ace this somehow. It’ll take some tough & hard going tho.
I like the spirit of bloggers willing to jump in to help and pray for the tough times. I’ll chip in a prayer
November 1st, 2008 at 5:27 pm
That is really deep.
God who began this good work in you will befaithful to complete it.
And yes, your Dad must be really proud of you.
November 1st, 2008 at 7:00 pm
((((((((((((DK)))))))))))
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
[...] staying at our family home for the next few weeks, it’s not something I’m enjoying tremendously, but I know that [...]
November 2nd, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Where ther z a will,therz away.
God be with u
November 3rd, 2008 at 9:29 am
WOW… I can’t begin to express how much this means to me. Yeah, I know, I’s getting all sappy n teary eyed.
Seriously guys, this is simply amazing. Just when you think you’re alone, and suddenly you get responses like this… I don’t know what to say.
Thank you. I am truly blessed.