1001 Tales - Zea mays
This is the fifth story in The 1001 series. It is an experiment in realtime writing, none of this is pre-conceived or pre-meditated, I want to see how far I can push a story without stopping to build the characters, or to plot out a proper tale. Some are brief, some are long and elaborate.
For the previous stories, go here: 1001 Tales Category
And now…
Zea Mays
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Scene 1 - Act 1
Curtains open.
Our hero, affectionately known by endearing fans the world over as the Dark Knight, aka the Rogue King, aka some other unmentionable name with too many vowels, walks out of his high rise office on Balintuma Road, right next to the huge rubbish pit, “awo awali bikajo” ku Nakulabye awo.
We see a lady selling roasted maize by the roadside, she sees DK and smiles. DK sees her and scowls, turning towards the road. He has just seen a hot chick approaching from the other side of the road.
The hot chick has one of those perfectly proportioned bodies that make carpentry dudes by the road side accidentally saw off their fingers while oggling. DK, like any hot blooded male, does not want to be associated with the likes of a roasted maize seller at critical moments like this.
He is working on his opening line when he is rudely interrupted.
Maize Damsel: Muloodi, willent you eat the kasooli today?
The hot chick is dangerously close. She can hear the conversation. DK begins sweating. He looks for the quickest exit.
DK: Stuped woman! A whole me? In a tie? Shaa!
Maize Damsel: Eiih eiih ssebo, nga evulidde you buy buy kasooli.
DK: Me?? You woman? Me?
The hot chick has stopped, she’s amused, grinning like crazy. A small girl runs up from the office, out of breath, hoping to catch DK to pass on some very urgent message from her mother, the office cook.
Small Girl: Uncle DK, wamma mummy has saidi, mbu you buy for her maizi also.
DK turns, furious, his patience for these infidels is at an end.
Maize Damsel: Ssebo, also you…
She is cut short by DK’s sharp bark.
DK: Silence! I kill you!!
The essence of the joke passes all and sundry, especially the hot chick, who by this time appears to be highly amused, yet highly bored.
Turning back to the small girl, DK reprimands her, in no uncertain terms.
DK: You! Miniscule thing. Scum of the corporate world. Embarasser of CEOs. Go tell your mummy that me I don’t buy these things. These things are for villagers, me I’m sophisticated. Okitegera? Sophisticatedi! I wear ties, pimp shoes and comb my hair backwards, with a dash of hair gel, and a spray of hair oil. Not those things you use for cooking. My perfumes are designer, like Chanel No. 5. They cost more than the busuutis your whole clan uses. Do you understand? Maize, in all its forms, boiled, roasted, sundried, husked, husky, etc etc, but especially roasted maize… Maize is for villagers!!
The little girl, who has just finished top class, is no match for such verbosity. She flees.
Having subdued the little girl, with his pompous mastery of the English language, and having affirmed his awesomeness with such flair, moreover infront of all who cared to listen, DK turns back triumphant, smiling at said hot chick.
Who gently smiles back and turning to the maize lady, says…
Hot Chick: Auntie Gladys, Daddy says don’t forget to send Arnold home with some maize for evening tea.
The curtains mercifully close.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
cheri these socks are my present to you. dont freeze bambi
December 9th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
silence, i kill you, ha!! this one killed me. Achmed!!
December 10th, 2008 at 12:06 am
moral of story; buy your maize even in presence of apparently non maize eating, but very sexy nontheless member of opposite sex.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:52 am
lmao! A fitting end.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:08 am
Yaahahaahaa…DK reminds me of Lakunle in The Lion and the Jewel!!! Hehehe…
December 10th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Think i need to go way back and start from the 1st one
December 10th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Dude, i started laughing right from the time
yu introduced the lady selling roasted maize at
the roadside. i knew this was going to be a cracker.
And did someone mention Lankunle….very funny.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
lol….this is funny …bambi Dark Knight i feel for you…lol
December 10th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
@Emrys, man, I never tire of Achmed.
@Scotchie, words of wisdom. Just do your thang, not matter what.
@Princess, mucho gracias, senorita.
@Nev, lol, Lakunle was priceless man
@Johny, man, maize chicks have a certain propensity for saying strange things.
@Ug girl, who sez it was a true story? wink wink
December 10th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
And the Maize Damsel turned out to be her aunt? Ouch!
December 11th, 2008 at 8:03 am
That was funny lol
December 11th, 2008 at 8:23 am
lol…
Please tell me that the names aren’t subs.
I need to laugh at you properly!!!!!
December 12th, 2008 at 10:52 am
thank you for this.
‘zea mays’ didn’t hit me until the end!
you are the king!
i was waiting for the end and it did not disappoint!
zea mays indeed!
December 12th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
hahahaha, on zeemays, btw, i never shy away from what i want even if its pan on the road side, i shall eat it without fearing ! dude or no dude!
December 12th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
lmao! bambi, sorry!
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