Two W.E.A.K Dudes

yesterday, the unthinkable almost happened, but trust me never to disappoint.

so, a lovely pretty young (she will kill me for this) thing called me up last evening. apparently there was a pig leg that was specially being chopped up for us over at some fancy restaurant. never one to disappoint in such cases, i had scooted over to where she was in no time and off we set.

we tried to make small talk as we waited, but my mind was on that leg. suffice to say my rumblings were incoherent. when the leg finally arrived where my salivating drooling incoherent self was, the pork greed in me pompously declared how it must have been just half a leg coz it looked katono katono. little did i know, little did i know that the unthinkable would almost happen. see, in my entire life i have never, ever, EVER EVER left pork on a plate.  not once, only bones go back to the kitchen. you ask DK. he would know, i mean dude falls under the same category. but last night, my world almost changed, i almost lost my proud record.  ba guy, i tell you the pork jammed. for real. i could not believe my eyes, when thinking i was done, i looked over at the platter only to see an extra four pieces of the leg staring back at me, oba they were the toes, i dont know but i was demoralised when i saw them. even the residents in my stomach were saying dude, enough is enough. imagine, the punks!! the more i looked at it, the more i saw that record going down until i could not take it anymore and so i vowed my record was not goin down that time. heck i had to impress the pretty thing infront of me.

so i dug in, and boy dig did i. i took my time, settled in and agonisingly destroyed them toes(or maybe it was the calf). after what seemed like an eternity, the enemy was wiped out. and i think i impressed the damsel. but i say, that was the slowest and longest i might add, 35 seconds of my life. phew!!!

am outta here, you know it makes sense!!

ps. after last night, am still belching the delicacy left right and in the middle. am a goner!!

Moto Moto rocks! Wait for it. Trust me, it’s worth the wait.

so i had kalo(millet bread/millet posho?) and beans for supper last night. awesome stuff i tell you…

i, however, could not get a wink of sleep the entire night coz the lil’ homies in my stomach were having a party. there were loud joyous celebrations all night. this naturally culminated in two massive dumps this morning in the space of 30 minutes. suffice to say my double woke up the other person in the house and for a while they thought there was an earthquake taking place. i mean, how do you explain the fact that soon after wards they groggily asked if i had heard the earthquake. all i could manage was a sheepish smile before getting ready for work.

so, do i regret it, you may ask?? answer is a resounding NOP!!!!!

she like zani and neo-soul, and she walk fast down the street. i met her in the taxi, sat next to her and she kept lookin at me, like she knew who i was. i let my game do all the work for me. i told her if you jot down your number you’ll get mine in exchange. and i told her, here’s my name and numb, if i aint the one, lose it, if i am use it.

lemme tell you about a girl i know….
i called her and i told her i hope you wouldn’t mind if i showed you around, so when you go to certain places you’ll be thinkin of me. we went places and met lotsa of people. opened up her heart coz she said i made her feel so comfortable. bang bang, shorty shot me in the heart. i told her you make me wanna stay here in heaven with you. she said she like me but she had a man. bang bang, she shot me in the heart again. i got up to leave but she was hangin on ma sleeve. i ask her, why you tryin’ to cage me in and when i leave we both know you’ll be callin him. i told her i’ll be back soon, dont cry, i’ll bless you with a text soon.

lemme tell you about a girl i know….
she called me in the morn’ told me her dude was acting up. he’d seen the text and he didnt like my style. her man was weak, he run when i pulled out my cellphone. i told her, baby will you be my corona and lime, and i’ll be your main squeeze and if your dude dont like my style, we can take it to the street. but she told me, i know your kind, you a player, cant trust your kind. i told her, i admit these just aint words that am spitting. if you could see the thoughts that’s in my head. am tripping, am a player, its true but i’ll change the game for you. i would leave everyone of them, just say it. you’re too good to be my side chic. baby will you be my corona and lime, and i will be your main squeeze.

lemme tell you about a girl i know….
we went out saturday night and we had a swell time. showed each other things we aint never seen before. met lotsa of people. held hands, slow danced while the records played, play fight in the dark. and then she pushed me away, hit me in the chest and started to cry. said she goin back to her man. bang bang! so am standing there embarrassed, if we were both in paris, i would have grabbed her by the waist and kissed her. but we were in the middle of the barbeque lounge, aint supposed to beef. so i told her, baby will you be my corona and lime, and i will be your sandy beach.

lemme tell you about a girl i love!

today while we were cruising through one of the slums in kla in a taxi, we chanced upon a camel. of course we all took a moment off to do the mandatory maalo, even the driver, actually especially the driver coz the next thing we knew, there was a howling stray scrawny dog under his car.

now there was this chap right next to me who went beyond the mandatory maalo. fellow saw the camel and let out a strange sound that in his apparent excitement sounded like the sound made by a kid who is clutching their stomach in pain and running at break neck speed to the first toilet in sight.

and in his excitement he tries to stand up while turning at the same time to catch what i assume on his behalf was a more meaningful glimpse of the camel while the driver accelerated away from the howling stray. in that single movement, dude had smashed his head against the roof of the car and let loose from his rear a sound that silenced everyone in the taxi while we all turned to look at him. the silence did not last long though, coz almost immediately there was incessant chatter among the passengers as some laughed at him while others made excuses for him and still others cursed him loudly.

in all that kavuyo what happened next was painful, very painful. it seems someone took advantage of all the kavuyo and let rip a deadly but silent Dubya MD. windows were immediately slid open without a care to how much dust came in, doors were flung open in protest, all in an effort to de-configure the WMD but to no avail. suffice to say, we all left the taxi coz we were losing fresh air faster than…whatever, just know it was fast. and last thing i heard, the conductor was desperately blaming the chap that had been seated next to me for costing him that route’s dimes

So, Princess of the Seamless fame desecrated my half of the basketball court with a massive 360-spinner slam-dunk at 2,600MPH… Oh it’s on now!

The instructions:

1. You take the story, and give it your own unique twist.

2. Link back to the blogger who whispered to you and or include their name in your post.

3. Whisper the new challenge into the ear of a blogger of your picking.

4. Let them know by leaving a comment at theirs.

Pass it on with the instructions!

5. To keep track guys, let’s link the versions here:

Part 1 - Part 2

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Hez’s Story

An unearthly scream wakes me up from my reverie.

I can tell it’s coming from the neighbor’s house. Normally, I pretty much ignore the world, but I have a soft spot for the family next door. I swing my leg over the bed and reach down for my crutch.

I know the pain is coming, and I steel myself against it. Besides, I’ve gotten a little used to it. It doesn’t hurt as much anymore. Or maybe I’m just kidding myself. Oh well…

SHIT!!

The pain comes, more painful than an electric shock, racing up my thigh as the stump of my leg violently resists any form of movement.

Oh damn this hurts!

I’ll not bother with the details, but my right leg was amputated six months ago, just above the knee. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around not having two legs.

I hobble out the room I’m in, past the messy dining room and into the living room. For a brief instant, I hesitate. I’m not a fan of the outside world anymore.

Another bloodcurdling scream makes my mind up for me.

Stepping through the front door, I ignore the blinding sunshine and the fear that grips my heart.

Round the hedge separating the neighbor’s house from mine, I go, moving as fast as I can. The screaming continues, making me wish I could still run. Or at least walk…

I enter their compound, and head straight for the backyard, where the scream is coming from. A small crowd of children has gathered around the fish-pond.

Standing in the midst of them is Mama Jacob, screaming as though one of her children has died.

Right next to her is Jacob, with a strange smile on his face.

I know that smile. I have seen it before. My heart nearly stops.

****************************************************************************

Ever since my leg was amputated, Jacob was the only person I tolerated for more than a few seconds. Well, if you added the maid who came in daily, it makes two people, but she’s inconsequential, just a means to an end. And she feared me too much to spend more than a few seconds in my presence.

Here’s why. Everyone else always looked at my stump, and I could see the loathing, the fear, the questions, the pity, the anger on their faces. And it annoyed me no end. I didn’t want pity. I hated questions. I just wanted them to leave me alone.

Jacob. Now he completely ignored my half-leg and accepted me for what or who I was, no questions asked.

He was a genius, Jacob, and I knew it the first time I talked to him. And for some reason, he preferred the company of a lonely old man with an amputated leg and a gruff temper to that of his peers.

In our loneliness, with our own questions, and frustrations, we bonded. Sometimes we’d sit for hours on end, just quiet. Not a word. Only the sounds of the birds in the trees. It was easy to forget he was only four years old

He loved to learn, Jacob. His mind was like a sponge. Having exhausted the children’s books I had at home, the ones I’d bought for my daughter…

My daughter… no. I will not go down that road again.

Having exhausted those books, he turned his eyes to the bigger books I had in my humble library. Of the hundreds of books in there, Jacob seemed particularly interested in the section labeled “Medicine”. I would sometimes wake up from a nap and find him staring at a picture in a book, fascinated. Once, I watched him for close to ten minutes and he never ever took his eyes off the picture. Later, when he’d gone home, I picked up the book, “Henry Gray’s Anatomy of the Human Body” … the picture was “Neck arteries, illustrated by Henry Vandyke Carter“. I was impressed.

We had good times, Jacob and I. I enjoyed his company as much as he did mine. He reminded me of everything I’d lost, and through his eyes, I learned to hope again, to trust in something bigger than me, and most importantly, to believe in the goodness of people.

Wait… where am I going with this?

Yes. The smile.

One day, I got back home from some obscure outing, exercising the body, as the stupid charlatan doctors called it. I found the door open, and for a minute I panicked. Then, relief, as I saw Jacob sitting in the living room, with several of my books scattered around him. Each opened at a place that had pictures. And in the middle of the room, right in front of Jacob, was a huge rat, cut open, still squirming, limbs and intestines pinned to the floor.

I gasped. He turned and looked at me. With a very strange smile on his face…

**************************************************************************

I have reached the kids now. They part, making way for me. I look at Mama Jacob, who stops screaming when she sees me. We lock eyes for a long second, and in that moment of anguish, I get the whole story. The screaming didn’t lie. She has the look of a woman who has lost it all.

She looks down at Jacob. She knows I’m the only one he confides in.

I kneel down. Don’t ask how I achieve this. I ignore the pain, it is the least of my worries.  Jacob’s still looking at the pond. I gently touch his shoulder. He turns and looks at me, still with that smile on his face.

My heart sinks, and I fear for the worst. I sense his mother’s body stiffening, and she begins sobbing.

Then, Jacob laughs and points at the pond.

The water’s surface suddenly erupts and out comes Sara gasping, fighting, spluttering for air.

There’s a collective gasp, then a hush, then chaos; kids screaming, laughing, crying, Jacob smiling (a better smile now), Sara trying hard to laugh while still gasping for breath, and I, falling back on the grass with relief.

And to crown it all, having endured too much shock for one day, a mother faints besides me.

Where are my manners? In the midst of all this chaos, I have completely forgotten to introduce myself. My name is Hezekiah. My friends… well, the few that are left, call me Hez.

*        *        *

And since I’m expressly forbidden to whisper this to myself, I am whispering this story into The Streetsider’s ear. Wreak havoc, my friend.

I’m a huge fan of Lene Marlin. From the first time I heard her first song almost 10 years ago, “Sitting Down Here”, I was hooked. Her music kinda speaks to me sometimes. Sad, mournful, sometimes dark, but awesome. Her new rock stuff is nice, but not as good as her soulful heartbreakingly sad music.

This is one of my favourites, and it’s how I feel right now.

—

Lene Marlin - Flown Away

I’ve flown too high on borrowed wings
Beyond the clouds and where the angels sings
In a sky containing no one but me
Up there’s all empty and down there’s the sea
No one here but me
There’s nothing but light
That comes into sight

There’s something up here that makes me wince
And I still got the feelings that I’ve felt ever since
I got to this place arrived at last
In front there’s the future right back there’s the past
Everything’s moving so fast

There’s nothing but light that comes into sight
The present like I’ve never seen it before
Is this the right place to stay
Please my wings fly me away.

—

Perhaps I should revisit the Dark Side. Whatchu think?

so yeah, new year’s resolutions. i happen to have a resolution that…..what?? i cant make resolutions at this time of the year?? says who?? you?? who the heck cares what the heck you think, get outta here you dimwit, silly, bum scratcher…

so anyway as i was saying, i have a resolution. i want to kick an addiction. yes an addiction.

oh before i forget, hi phoebe deary!!!

ok, i was saying i have an addiction that needs kicking. see it(we shall call it her) started out as a habit. i loved her and she seemed to feel me too. everytime we were together getting it on, things went smoothly, she actually had a good effect on the rest of my relationships, they thrived coz of her. when things were good with her, everything else was good, when things got sour with her, we worked out our differences, and everything else remained all good. she seemed to be the one thing that always made sense in life, everything fell into perspective. everytime we had a fight it would never last long, coz i never could get enough of her. i kept going back. our love(or rather my love for her) grew intense. a weekend without her was passionless. months without her were dreary.

now am fixated on her and i have developed a destructive dependence on her. it has now led to a number of problematic behavioural symptoms common to all addictions, including realtionship neglect. the time spent with her is causing negative behaviour in my life. am sick of her, and yet i just cant seem to get enough of her. i want to ditch her but i cant. last night was terrible, i vowed it would be the last time i saw her in months, you know, give each other time to cool off and stuff, but by this afternoon, i was already missing her.

so what should i do to kick this habit/addiction?? after last night, i still know that come sunday at 6pm, i’ll still be the first person infront of the tv as arsenal takes on chelsea. no matter how badly we get beat, i still go back. all day, i’ve been thinking about the loss last night and i still cant get my head round it, am depressed. am yet to meet any of my manu buddies but the thought of seeing them sends chills down my spine, the ribbing, oh God!!!

whats a man to do??

am outta here. i know it dont make sense!!!

ps: maybe i’ll give up watching and concentrate strictly on just the playing.

This is the seventh installment in The 1001 Tales. It is an experiment in real-time writing, none of this is pre-conceived or pre-meditated, I want to see how far I can push a story without stopping to build the characters, or to plot out a proper tale. Some are brief, some are long and elaborate.

For the previous stories, go here: 1001 Tales Category

And now…

—

Vindication.

She stands on the verandah, next to her father, his hand firmly on her shoulder, a fearsome frown on his face. Her lips are quivering, tears are streaming down her cheeks. She looks across the yard, looks at him. The love of her life.

Her mind screams, “I’m so so so sorry! I didn’t know it would turn out like this, I swear! All I wanted was to be with you for ever!”

He looks back at her, hands cuffed, cops dragging him away, grabbing him by the waist of his pants. The kind of treatment reserved for the worst sort of criminal. He has pure anger on his face. He has never hated anything so much in his life.

His mind screams, “You lied to me! You did this to me! You set me up, you filthy bitch! ”

Then the memory overwhelms him. The local magistrate’s court, the gavel hitting the table with finality.

Seven years for defilement.

That’s when his own tears start.