i come here with trepidation. its been a while, a long while. i really feel sorry for all my loyal readers, all 2 and half of you. but the blame should solely be placed at the doorstep of that damsel known as twitter. she seduced me like a professional seductress, i gave in and i have never looked back, well thats up until now. i missed you u know. twitter wont let me rumble like you always did/do, so am back and am back for good.
while i was away, i saw things like a kiosk advertising airtime for wholesale and RENTAL. yes, R.E.N.T.A.L. i was certainly not missing the opportunity to have some airtime rented out to me and so in i went only to be told the chap working on the airtime rentals was away on sick leave and no they could not explain to me how this was expected to work, and could i please come back next week when salim is back. i was dejected.
and while i was away, i chanced upon my cousin going for his introduction ceremony and not one to miss out on a party, i quickly, in tandem with my local dobby*, organised my kanzu and suit. i have to tell you this was one heck of a dramatic day. lets start with the dobby.
my dobby is special, he will rent out yo clothes even 30 minutes before you are due to pick them, anything to make a quick buck. anyway on that day, i gave him my kanzu to iron since UMEME was being well UMEME and i decide to go take a shower in the meantime. 15 minutes later am at his office only to find him haggling with some chap who wanted a kanzu for the day and all this time he is pointing at MY kanzu and telling the chap how he needed to stamp up real cash if he wanted that particular nice kanzu, i was flabbergasted! i threw a tantrum and refused to pay the douche canoe his bisaatu.
fast forward, and we are at my cousin’s place packing stuff and generally just making asses of our hungry selves. i had vowed not to eat till the ceremony, bad idea, really bad idea. someone had suggested a rolex and while the thought was enticing, the stand was far enough to arouse bumwittery with in me, and so i decided to wait it out.
fast fast forward and we are driving to my cousin’s damsel’s place in kiira. of course there was drama on the way as well. half way through the journey my jalopnik had enough and informed me in no uncertain terms that it was going no further than najeera. apparently its body work was too dainty for such a rough road. i tried to sweet talk it, coax it, hell even threaten it but it was having none of it. it even farted some stray things from behind just to make its point. by this time, buckets of sweat were pouring down my body and my kanzu had somehow found its way up and wound itself around my head, taliban style. blooming DMC. anyway, one of my numerous cousins came to my rescue by inviting me to ride shotgun with him. and off we were to that place that was too much for my dainty jalopnik. by the time we got there, i had cooled down sufficiently enough to look cool but hungry. The hunger was too much i began eyeing the gifts we had carried longingly but my cousin saw the look in my eyes and immediately pulled me as far away from the gifts as possible. bloody party pooper.
faster forward, and we are finally in the tents having been made to wait outside in the sun for a whole hour. and yes the hunger was eating away at me, i could feel it dig its fangs deeper and deeper every single time it decided to have a bite. and just when i felt i could not take it any longer, i turn sideways to gaze outside at the skies one last time and perhaps make my last kicks, only to notice the bride’s gift right next to me. it had lots of chocolate in it. i looked at the groom right in front of me, he was engrossed in looking at his bride like it was the last time he was seeing her. i looked at all my cousins around me, and the one who weren’t snoring, were silently emitting gases that i at some point thought were going to blow up our tent. and so with renewed vigour, i simply plucked out one of the chocolate bars. however, the (un)wrapping proved to be my undoing. every one woke up/turned to look at me as soon as i started unwrapping. everyone demanded a piece, including the groom and for some reason everyone thought i had carried my own chocolate, and so i stole two more and everyone was happy once again and there were no more emissions, thankfully, seeing as it would be very bad mannered of us to blow up a tent, especially one that was in a place where we were only visitors.
suffice to say i was awake and fully alert, when my cousin declared an ending love for his bride. or maybe it was unending love, one cannot be sure as there were no subtitles afforded to us. i was also awake when one of my cousins suggested that since we had parked so far from the house, we shouldn’t be surprised if we find all the cars vandalised and all the gifts we had carried taken. cue ten or so odd males in different shapes and sizes lumbering towards the parking lot in their kanzus as if they were dying to pee
oh, i also somehow managed to make it to namboole to see the mighty UG Cranes whip ass. and that my dear loyal 2 and half readers is a story for another day!
* a dobby is a human washing and ironing machine in Uganda.
you know it makes absolutely no sense!!!
am outta here!
ps. salutations to my cyber love in the land of the small people ![]()

